It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
