dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
