He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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