The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
