We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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