i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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