mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
