You just made me feel so damn special
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
