I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
