It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
