I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
