I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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