you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
