If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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