so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
