i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
