I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize