Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
