As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
