Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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