I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
