Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
