It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
