currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
