The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My cat gives me a boner
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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