Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
