I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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