I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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