My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
