I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
