everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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