i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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