I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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