my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize