if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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