my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
