i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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