Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
