i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
