im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
