did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i will never coherently bang her
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
