: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
