Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
