I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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