I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
