I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize