oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
