Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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