i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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