i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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