WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
