if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
