i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
