This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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