I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize