after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
