Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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