i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Michael Bay diarrhea
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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