im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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