woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
