4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
