i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
