It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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