The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
