Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
