Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
